03/04/2021
"Building our Bridge of HOPE"
Eight steps to Recovery
How to apply "Hope" in our relationships.
First we have to want our loved ones to be happy. We
often find in a relationship that we take for granite the positive
moments, and we argue about the flaws or mistakes the other
person has. Positive focus is what is needed to Build our
Bridge to Hope. So why not use the same theory to build our
relationships.
Many times people are getting home from work and
are elated to be off the clock. Once they are home a choice is
made of either remaining elated or letting the feeling fade
away. People we decide to be around can be a major influence
on our self image. Factors like relationships shape our mood
and in turn our self esteem. Believe that when your family and
friends think your a positive energy that you do become that
positive energy and it is contagious with others.
Training
yourself to focus on the positive traits of our partner and the joy
they bring us can result in a better relationship. Building a
peace in our homes, neighborhoods and communities. Start by
making a list of eight qualities your partner provides
( ie: Faith, Truth, Understanding, Forgiveness, Respect, Honor,
Goals, Grace, and Stability)
Praise them often to let them know that you notice. Once they
can feel that appreciation they will focus more on showing
their gratitude to you as well as others.
People respond to your showing of gratitude with their
own like a fan who starts to cheers at a baseball game. We
have all seen how momentum swings when the "12th man"
becomes involved. Expecting success creates expectation and
confidence in that success. Ridicule and Shame create
reservation in participating so be aware of the seeds you plant.
We all reap the harvest together.
In contrast think of people who represent themself
with negative qualities (ie: Ego, Deciept, Selfishness, and
Hate) and the effect it has on the people around them (Envy,
Lust, Jealousy, and Addiction) . A theory I read explained it as
"the mirror effect". People will develop their self esteem from
how they interpret others to perceive them. Unfortunately
people never really know how others perceive them.
Faith in communication breaks down because its not
"safe" to let people know how we feel because we may be
rejected so we are very guarded with our feelings. People are
afraid to feel shame or guilt so they usually exaggerate or lie.
FAITH in our peers to be honest is critical and builds the
foundation of Trust.
Statements that are not true are counterproductive and
even assumptions have very negative effects so we need to
treat our words like a sharp object. Words can destroy a
person so if we are wrong then we need to say we are wrong
and own what damage we have caused. We make mistakes and
so do our partners so lets understand and forgive then quickly
move forward. Many relationships are destroyed by the
remember when battle (that nobody ever wins). Finally we
will use four positive focal points and four points we need to
eliminate in yourself and in others.
Positive Steps
1. Faith ( Trust in something that you cannot see, hear, or
feel. )
2. Truth (Knowledge that you don't question)
3. Understanding (Accepting that we all need support)
4. Forgiveness (Willing to accept a mistake and love our way
through it)
Negative Steps
1. Ego- (Believing that your interest has more value)
2. Deceptive- To mislead in order to support your concept.
3. Selfishness- Being unsupported and self oriented.
4. Hate- Living in contempt of life.
It takes time to build anything especially if it is as
important as your relationship is supposed to be. I wrote this
book because I lost my partner and wanted someone to blame.
The more I looked at the whole picture (over a year) I realized
something she said once held true for me. No matter how hard
you try you will never realize your problems until you look in
the mirror. Meaning the future cant me found in the past and
your future belongs to you so own all of it or own none of it.
Our marriage died because of neglect on my end and in the
end hopelessness. So I want to teach others the way I would
have done things if I had looked in the mirror before the
cracks started in our foundation.
We both had our faults but I was so focused on who
had more that I forgot to say " Hey did you know that I truly
do know that your an Angel of Love? I love you so deeply that
if I think about it I cant breath and cry. Tomorrow My first
thought is you just as my last will be. I find a Grace and a
appeal that I could never live without. What can I do to make
you smile that way that you do while letting you feel loved."
Instead I didn't come home and went out with any and every
person available because I felt like I was not good enough for
her.
My "looking glass" reflected to a point where she
believed these things were true and my actions showed her
that she was right. I came home one day and another person
had given her all the things that I failed to. She was gone. 20
years and the best way to grieve for me was write this book.
Usually I would drink and drug but this helped ease my
dysfunctional ways to cope.
I hope it helps others, the way her inspiration helped
me. Although gone, My Angel of Love still worked wonders, I
want to show how amazed and thankful I am that I was given
such a honor for 20 years.
"Faith will lead us HOME"
Faith is a belief in something that cannot be seen,
heard or touched but is understood. People seldom ask this
question when they begin a relationship "What is your Faith
based on and placed in?" The most important of all needs is a
couples direction. You may kiss the Bride. Now where do we
go from here? Most would say a home, 2.5 kids and a white
picket fence right? OK..how do we get there and what is my
role?
Faith is about leading the way to our desires or
ambitions. GOD or a higher power is extremely important to a
couple and/or family. Be honest and fair but we need to know
what drives our partner to feel complete and content.
Personally I was lost until my 40's and didn't have much Faith
until (of course)
I needed to find HOPE.
My Faith was instilled in me as a child, on my
Mama's knee, while she read the King James Bible. I was in
my 40's (darkest period of my life) when Jesus found me once
again. My partner left but gave me a Jehovah's Witness Bible.
Both of the teachings are similar and the state of mind I was in
desperately needed both (Thank You Susan) .
Faith is our moral compass and will lead us to our
destination. We must make sure our Faith and Our Personal
Code are represented by our actions.
Marriage means we are now one in Eyes of GOD and we
believe in this so much that we are committed to be together
until the end.
My belief is your Honor and your Faith will be the
foundation for the future. Love and Peace are more important
than anything else in life. Faith for some is found in Religion,
Family, Community or other Traditions. Honor and Faith
should be the foundation built strong for times of turmoil.
Hope for everyone is to define the life they live according to
personal standards. Peace is found in the journey and Love is
being blessed with a person to share it with.
Partnership is critical to success and if you don't believe
me try accomplishing some large task alone. Faith is built from
realizing that the mission is greater than the persons trying to
complete it. One thing that we all need to take a look at is our
Ego because that is where our Faith should humble us. Faith
in a higher power will be the foundation for strength and
unity. The Family is going the same direction and remains
supportive to each other for the goals.
Let's also look at the supporting aspects of Faith.
Teamwork is always better than trying to go it alone. The
worst mistakes I made in relationships were due to lack of
support. My Wife would say "I think...."
and I would continue on with a shrug selfishly...wow. Imagine
how that may have affected her and the "looking glass" impact
on her self esteem. Not once did I even think about these
things until
(well you guessed it...)
she found the support that she deserved.
Remember the Bridge we are trying to build? Think of
the welds and bolts, each small piece is critical to the strength
structure, sometimes more than the large beams or columns
even. Remember the little things that contribute to you and
your spouse commitment. Partnership means assisting to
achieve a common goal. Faith is many things so lets not forget
the special feeling of someone putting their faith in us. Boss
comes over and says "Can you take care of this extra task
today?" most will say "They dumped extra work on me today"
but really we get kinda excited to the challenge aspect of it.
Also when we finish the task, secretly we want to know how
we did don't we?
Faith in your partner is critical powerful tool to shape
your partners self esteem. Partners should help to build the
very best version of each other possible. I Believe in you means
I believe in us. Remember what Faith is...Belief in something
(like your partner) and making it a priority. Finally never
question your partners motives or intentions because
assuming is almost never correct. Accusing or rehashing
negative events leads to negative results. Treat people like you
want people to treat you. The seed you plant today will be
harvested tomorrow. A little Faith can lead you and help your
relationship grow. GOD and Family with FAITH help us
remain happy and strong.
~TRUTH CREATES LOVE AND RESPECT~
How can you have Faith, Believe and Cherish
something that you do not respect? Of course, I have been
around liars like everyone else and then I get the hell away
from them. Lies are the poison that destroys every good thing.
Imagine if everyone told the truth no matter the consequences.
People would know where they stood and where everyone else
stood all the time. Imagine if we could have all the time wasted
on Deciept back. People who deceive others for their own
benefit are not productive in the end.
A liar will destroy any goals or positive situations that
they are in. Deciept is counter productive and destroys Faith
and Love. One hard lesson is that moment when you must
choose to hurt the person you love or lie (omit) to "keep them
from the pain" especially if it involves love. Partners should
share everything with each other or admit that there is a lack
of RESPECT and TRUST that has ruined the partnership. My
own experiences have taught me that you ALWAYS tell the
truth because if we are to succeed we must be clear and on the
same page. Also, lies will make the problem enormous as it
remains. Sacrificed is everything you valued compared to the
price it would have cost if the TRUTH was given initially.
We cannot fix a hole in the bathroom wall if we are told
its a broken lamp in the kitchen (look at the time wasted
figuring out the truth). Partners should be able to understand
mistakes and forgive them or reevaluate the relationship.
Truth is what it is and that's where everyone needs to be so
they can make the best decisions for success. Partners will
need help to accomplish things that are worthwhile. Large task
need work shared by the team and a clear plan of success.
Faith, Truth and success cannot exist if Deceptive, Lies, and
Resentment are eroding the desire to LOVE one another.
Never in any situation should one person lie to the person they
Love if they want the person to be happy (a short time of pain
is worth a lifetime of HONOR).
Understanding HOW TO RISE
Once we check our ego and become selfless we realize
we once failed bad and needed people to help get us on our
feet again. People who love always try to help when they see
someone struggle, because they learned to love as they were
struggling. NEVER use the opportunity your partners mistake
or failure to be "the right one" in the relationship. Why teach
your partner that they are flawed? Happy people create
Happy people.
Once I was alone and taking a look at my failures I realized
that I was an opportunist who achieved "being right" (kinda
fitting right). Honestly I was very understanding but my
shortcomings became weights around my spirit and lead me
to drugs and alcohol. Understanding is deeper than a night of
regret. Little things led the spouse to meet a burning desire to
fulfill needs their spouse neglected. Usually for women it is an
emotional driven desire and Men are more physical (fantasy
driven) desire. The partner who does not communicate the
need is the one responsible but both can learn even growing
stronger from the event if they are objective.
Partners MUST clear up any unknown areas and be
open and honest by answering very painful questions for both
partners. Understand how this situation happened and
RESPECT the decision process that both are a part of. Give
up if you cannot accept facts like it is usually 50/50 when it
comes to owning responsibility. Understanding means being
real with yourself first so you can help your partner deal with
the pain they feel totally responsible for.
Understanding is not easy but Blessings come when
needed most so you will be stronger in the end (partners or
not). Remember you can always find a partner but not the
time you invested growing with the one your leaving. So
Forgive and Understand that True Love is not defined by
decisions made during the events of the night but by enduring
a lifetime of hard times and continuing to Love each other
thought it all and a final kiss one blessed night. Understand
what it takes to get the people you cherish to be strong, proud,
and see themselves as the " best me I can be" with confidence
knowing that they are accepted valued and cherished because
of our Eight Family Value Codes:
Faith, Truth, Understanding, Forgiveness, Respect, Honor,
Commitment and Grace
and to BEWARE of the Evil in the world and avoid it. Evil
destroys all that is good with its own 8 pitfalls
Ego, Deciept, Selfishness, Hate, Shame, Betrayal, Laziness,
Guilt
Forgive and Live
People walk around for years (even lifetimes) being
hurt or ashamed of things they fail at. We can try to be perfect
but Lust, Greed, Desire and Sin are things we deal with, some
we can deal with and some appeal to us in a way that makes us
struggle. We are flawed so do the best you can do and accept
that we are born to struggle some. Do not let it destroy all the
things that you do right. Voices that come telling us to give up
are not going to define weather we are worthy, only we can do
that, Tell your partner "I am happier when you don't play golf "
but Iet them know you love them even when they do.
Partners in a relationship either desire the relationship
or they give another person the honor but either way, we are
all being who we can be at the time. Use the positive bridge
building methods to mold your partner but either love them or
leave. Be fair and accepting of each other or do not give the
impression that you want to be with them. Find the person
who best fits your Ideals and personal code then BE HAPPY!
I once seen a statement made by a man "My Wife had an
affair and it was the best thing that ever happened to us. It
woke us up and helped us value our marriage to its full
potential". My jaw dropped in shock and then I read the article
again and again because I understood. If you love something
then completely LOVE or don't cry about how you wish you
would have. Life throws us curve balls and we miss. Look
closely at your flaws and then ask if you can get past a few of
theirs.
Hopefully you see that the world is a better place when people
are loved, accepted and coach with positive reinforcement
rather than Rejected, Judged and Punished by others who
could be ask to sit next. Be a positive influence and help grow
people instead of standing alone as the authority on others.
When you carry such high expectations you are let down much
more than if you see people as unique and special. Let people
flourish in your positive light instead of tear them apart like
others will.
People Deserve RESPECT
People should demand respect and should always give what
they receive. Respect is a representation of Honor and Faith in
another person. Please and Thank You can change a persons
entire outlook for days. Some stranger meets you for the first
time and walks away carrying that initial opinion with them
for life. Happy you listened right? Imagine how many other
people will hear about a stranger this person met at work, the
store, and everywhere. Is it really that important? Absolutely
and its a well planned investment with very little effort.
Head up, clear speaking, cleaned up, and charming
manners can open many doors. Interviews are the thumbprint
of your future. Always remember that the way you treat your
partner leaves a imprint on the respect they will demand also.
Always introduce them first and make a statement. "This is My
Beautiful Wife" so that others know how she is a priority and
should be treated as such. Once you do this and see the effect
it has everyone they will be better for it.
On the other hand Imagine the opposite effect. Your
partner takes you to a work party and never really introduces
you to anyone but mingles with their coworkers. Kinda feel
special right?? NOT. Our enthusiasm about our partner is how
they see them self. Focus on building them up to a happy level
they never knew before. Priority is our relationship to our
Spouse, Children, Family, and then others. You are a critical
part of me is what we need to stress. "Hey Beautiful, How was
your day...Do you know what you bring to my Life, and that I
could never live with you, I Love You". That statement 3 times
a week will save a marriage but it will create a marriage if said
and meant everyday twice.
Most couples sit and watch TV without a word and
their kids are learning how to Love. Generations will finally
water down what Life is Defined with. My Children all were
born to be loved and cherished and I want to reflect and share.
I feel like I failed at times to show them what they meant to
me. I was Blessed by a woman and children born of her so
much that it became my "line in between".
I needed to devote my Life to sharing the Blessings and
Lessons I was given. I gained a Understanding of Love!
A single "Apple Tree" with 1 boy and 1 girl would represent
over a lifetime.
My life changed in one single encounter and I don't
want anyone to ever miss it. Moments are precious when you
can share them with The One who you were born to love.
Some people get second chances (I believe) but this was not
created by chance. I know that I only got one soulmate and
was destined to write and help others find a better way to
accept that GOD steps in and gives us a hint about life. I failed
to understand for way to long.
Love is a Blessing given to you for years or even a single
day....
Cherish it and learn to build yourself and your partner in it.
Never feel ashamed or let it become something you feel
obligated to. We must find the respect in us to embrace that
moment like our final breath. We were born to live learn and
find peace in LIFE. When we do GOD smiles and say's " See
how simple that was? Please tell your secret so people can stop
wasting our time. Time is to short to carry around regret and
shame. Smile, Love and Grow....leave the rest to me.
I learned this as I witnessed a couple that fought like
warriors to be happy. Finally, when it was coming to an end
they both smiled at each other with knowing eyes. I wondered
why but in the last moments it became clear to me. It was
because they knew about something all the others didn't...
A fire inside and a apple tree that was their very own..
~4ever8~
They Won
STEPS TO HOPE
Faith
Truth
Understanding
Forgiveness
Respect
Honor
Love
Pride
Honesty, Communication, Loyalty, Dedication, and a
commitment to build others will;
Build a Bridge to a world of
Stronger Happier People.
Thank You
Rodney Hamm
https://www.8steps.com
