Narcissistic Sociopath

Narcissistic Sociopath This is the story of how I, a strong and independent woman, was sucked in by a narcissistic sociopat "I love to service women of all ages.

They all love me and give me gifts to help me to get through life, so that I have no responsibilities other than to look good. I have to admit that I have issues with honesty, hence no relationships, I cannot stay loyal to one person, and I have sticky fingers if you are not generous enough. My last "person" I took for several thousand dollars - are you smarter than she?" -Jesse C Carey, 2020, Shoreline, Wash.

11/01/2024

Yay! Just hired a kid off of Next Door to come and do my raking and stuff.... now I have nothing to do..... I'm so bored!

03/24/2024

Freedom. Freedom from a narcissist! What does it feel like?
At the beginning, you are very unsure of yourself. Your ability to make ANY decisions has been stripped away from you and you just can't imagine deciding anything without asking someone else what you should do!
Gradually, you are able to make choices - what and when to eat, when to go to bed, whether you can go out with friends from work!
For many of us, being free means being free of the financial abuse and lack of money we'd been experiencing.
Then you start making financial decisions. These may seem daunting at first, but you can do it! If you need to, go online and learn how to make a budget. Then stick to it.
For many, it means asking family for help, going on welfare or SSI, getting a job, doing whatever it takes to get financially free.
Your heart will have a long time breaking the trauma bond that connects you to your narcissist, but you can get freedom in other aspects of your life.
And the freer you become, the freer to make your own choices, the less of a hold that trauma bond will have in you!

You will see that you don't NEED to have someone take care of you - YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! YOU ARE PROUD AND STRONG!!
And you will start to realize that g at you don't deserve to be treated poorly, like dirt, but as a respected and mature person!

08/12/2023

I'm almost afraid to hope as the narcissist has moved to a location away from my work location and I may not have to be afraid to do my job for a while! As long as he stays gone, I won't be stalked and can do my job in relative peace! Not fear! Of course, I have become strong enough and happy enough in my own life that I no longer fear what he can do to me, but just seeing him showing up all along my day is an irritation, kind of like a gnat flying around your head! He looks awful, like he's falling apart, going downhill as narcissists often do in middle age. They run out of "supply" and begin to get desperate - there are so many younger, better looking narcissists to scoop up the new supply there is often nothing left for them. Then they start going back to their former supply, hoping to hook up again, only to find the old supply is no longer interested, has seen the light and moved on! They get more and more haggard looking, taking worse and worse care of themselves. In my experience, with my narc, he is wearing the same clothes day after day, behaving the same way, has changed nothing, and is getting no better results. What's that they say about "insanity"? LOL!

08/08/2023

Up next, I'll start talking about why my ex is a sociopath, some say he's a psychopath, and what is the difference?

08/05/2023

Breaking the trauma bond:

Step 7:
Understand what it is that you are losing - the "gotcha" that had convinced you into believing they were going to fulfill some deep, unmet need. Once you understand what that need is of yours, you can open your hand and let it go! Learn that you can fulfill your own needs with friends, with faith in yourself, with hobbies, activities, just being! Again, look at your expectations for the relationship - were they realistic? Or were they based on some sort of romantic dream? They are not going to happen! Not with a narcissist. And there is nothing you can do to pay them back! Nothing you can do will make them feel bad about it - they feel nothing. You can wish bad on them, but it will only come back on you. So, don't do it. I believe strongly in karma, and this is one area where we need to focus on ourselves, not on them! In fact, we need to go NO CONTACT and move on, be happy with life - that is the best retribution we can give them! For nothing hurts a narc like our being happy without them!!! I promise~!

Step 8: Write a bottom line of behaviors for yourself. Examples would be "I will not argue with someone who has been drinking or drugging." "I will not sleep with someone who calls me names." "I will take care of my own finances!" These are boundaries you are setting for yourself. Keep them simple and easy to follow at the beginning! Then follow them! You've got this!

Step 9: Build healthy friendships: Make friendships with healthy people, people who will have your back, who won't call you names or put you down! I was shocked when, after my final break-up, I discovered how many people I work with wanted to be my supportive friend! They all had nothing but positive things to say to me and looked up to me, when I'd had no idea! After years of being put down so severely, this was a shock to my system and took some getting used to! Let people in! This doesn't mean you have to tell them all the bad stuff - quite the contrary, let them be positives in your life!

and Step 10 : PRACTICE GRATITUDE EVERY DAY! This will change your outlook on life! Every morning, be grateful for something you have that day. Eventually, make it 3 things every day that you are grateful for! Even if it's something small, like you woke up! You didn't get beat that day! The sun came out! Simple things, to be sure, but things to be thankful for!

Find a counselor who specializes in trauma! If the first one isn't right, keep looking! It took me 3 to find the right one. She made me do homework, didn't let me just jabber on about odds and ends, kept me focused on the trauma bonds, pulled a lot of crap out of me to deal with! Also, get out of bed every day! Put your clothes on! And makeup! Eat something at least twice every day, go for a walk or do something physical! And DON'T listen to music@!!! It's only going to make you sad!!! You can break the trauma bond - it might take years, it might go away and pop up from time to time - keep fighting it! I have faith in you! You've got this! Look online for support groups, listen to Dr Ramani on YouTube, there 's a lot of help out there. As with counsellors, if one doesn't fit, find another! I have faith in you! Good luck! If I can do it,, so can you!

08/05/2023

Breaking the trauma bond:

Step 5:

This is when it's time to start checking in with yourself daily - how are you feeling? Are you happy? Unhappy? Are you excited? Feeling like blah? Don't let yourself feel numb - let yourself FEEL and let yourself go through those feelings, work through them! 😀 If you feel yourself getting weak, and wanting to be with your ex, don't put yourself down, talk to yourself with kindness, understanding, compassion. Remind yourself that you are a work in progress and you are on a journey that takes time!

Step 6 : Here is where you have to let yourself grieve - grieve for lost hopes and dreams. Grieve for the future you thought you would have, the ideal life you'd imagined for yourself. Yoour life can still be great, but in an hones, wholesome way! It can be great in a way where you are not being torn apart, where you are not being called names, having everything in the world blamed on you, being put down constantly. Having the freedom to think, to say , to feel how you want! Being in a world where you are honored and loved for who you are! Take this time to grieve the relationship you had built in your mind, that your partner really didn't believe you had. Let your expectations of that life go! This is a good time to continue journalling - write things like "I feel _____" "I miss _____". I wish I could be with _____ but I know I'm healthier not being with that person". "I am going to teach myself the way to get through this obsession rather than acting on it". You need to FEEL your emotions, not run away from them. The more you feel them, the easier it will be to deal with them!

07/30/2023

HOW TO BREAK THE TRAUMA BOND?

This is going to take several steps, just as it takes several steps to form the trauma bond, it will take several steps to destroy it!
First: Tell yourself It's Not My Fault - You didn't ask to be bonded to this person, you didn't ask to be brainwashed, you didn't ask to be made a slave! You didn't ask to be abused mentally, physically, emotionally, financially to the point of being traumatized until you know and feel comfortable living no other way!
You didn't set in your mind that you can only thrive in chaos, in being put down, hated, disrespected, treated like dirt! You didn't choose to live this terrible, hateful life!
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU ENDED UP IN THIS TRAUMA BOND!@

The 2nd Step - Begin journaling everything that has happened to you from the beginning of the relationship - all the good and especially all the bad! Don't leave anything out - the embarrassing things your abuser made you do or say, the way they forced you to behave. Everything they did was part of the narcissistic pattern of abuse, you need to see it in black and white - the good, the bad, and the ugly! Seeing it written will make you face the patterns of abuse, such that you will be in disbelief that this happened to you and not to someone else - if it had been someone else, you'd have counselled them to leave!

Third step - Try to live one hour or one day at a time, don't expect yourself to heal and be 100% cured all at once. It took a long time for the bond to occur, it's going to take time for yourself to heal. It won't happen all at once, and you will have slips occassionally! Forgive yourself - it's a process. You will improve a little at a time, there is a lot there to deal with and it goes deep. Go easy on yourself.

Fourth - Decide to start self-care! This goes for both physical and emotional self care! Get out of bed every day! Dress every day! Put on makeup every day. Do some sort of exercise every day! If you find yourself mentally getting weak and say you can't stop crying, go easy on yourself - talk to yourself in compassionate, kind, understanding ways.. Remind yourself that you are a work in progress and this is a journey of healing. Don't beat yourself up, but pat yourself on the back for all the small steps you've made to heal and break the trauma bond!

07/15/2023

First, what is a trauma bond? How does it happen?

A trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. It typically occurs when the abused person begins to develop sympathy or affection for the abuser.

This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. Not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.
Feelings of attachment and dependence can contribute to a trauma bond, as can a pattern of abuse and remorse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, trauma bonds are the result of an unhealthy attachment.

Humans form attachments as a means of survival. Babies become attached to the parents or caregivers whom they depend on, and adults form attachments to others who provide comfort or support.

When someone’s main source of support is also their abuser, a trauma bond can develop. An abused person may turn to the abusive person for comfort when they are hurt, even if the other person was the one who caused it.
A person may develop a trauma bond because they rely on the abusive person to fulfill emotional needs.

Cycle of abuse
Some abusive relationships follow a pattern of abuse, then remorse.

After causing harm, an abusive person may promise to change. Some may be especially kind or romantic to make up for their behavior.

This gives the abused person hope that their suffering will end and that they will one day receive the love or connection that the perpetrator has promised. The person experiencing the abuse may see suffering as a price to pay for kindness.

Remorseful behavior may also cause the abused person to feel grateful, particularly if they have become accustomed to poor treatment. This reinforces the bond.

When can trauma bonding happen?
In theory, trauma bonding can occur in any situation that involves one person abusing or exploiting another. This may include situations that involve:

domestic abuse
child abuse
in**st
elder abuse
exploitative employment, such as one involving people who have immigrated without documentation
kidnapping or hostage-taking
human trafficking
religious extremism or cults
According to the organization Parents Against Child Exploitation, a trauma bond develops under specific conditions. A person must:

perceive a real threat of danger from their abuser
experience harsh treatment with small periods of kindness
be isolated from other people and their perspectives
believe that they cannot escape

Signs of trauma bonding
The main sign that a person has bonded with an abuser is that they try to justify or defend the abuse. They may also:

agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating them badly
try to cover for the abusive person
argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbors
become defensive or hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse, such as a bystander or police officer
be reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or break the bond
A person bonded with their abuser might say, for example:

“He is only like that because he loves me so much — you would not understand.”
“She is under a lot of pressure at work, she cannot help it. She will make it up to me later.”
“I will not leave him, he is the love of my life. You are just jealous.”
“It is my fault — I make them angry.”
It is worth noting that these feelings of attachment do not necessarily end when the person leaves the harmful situation. A person may still feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return.

Next, I'll talk about the steps to follow to break the trauma bond.

07/14/2023

The next topic I'll be covering will be the Trauma Bond and how to break it! There are a lot of steps to doing this, it's a tough process. If it weren't, it would be so easy to break up and just move on after a relationship with a narcissist! But no, we feel like we are dying, we can't breathe, we can't function or even survive without the narcissist, no matter how bad things were.
We stick up for them to the rest of the world, defending them and everything they ever did to us! Some call it the Stockholm syndrome, when you are so bonded to your captor you will do anything for them, no matter what they do.

This is how we feel after every discard, whenever we are suffering the silent treatment, during all punishments, even when being physically assaulted! The trauma bond is so strong, but we CAN BREAK IT! My next posts will explain how to do it!

07/13/2023

How is your day going today? Take time to check in - feel every part of yourself, be in the moment, touch base with your feelings. Are you happy, sad> Ambivalent? Is your day dependent on someone else? Let's make it a positive day, one that YOU decide will be a positive one. No one else can make you feel bad. Only YOU can decide how to react to someone else! Did someone put you down today? You don't need that person in your life! Surround yourself with positive people, uplifting people, lift your face to the sunshine, feel the heat of the day, and leave the negatives behind! Have a blessed day!

06/27/2023

I was asked today why a narcissist can't care about their victims the way the victims care about them? While my focus is about our trying to heal,, I need to get this understood by all victims and survivors - if we don't understand this, we will never be able to heal thoroughly : They CAN'T care. It's absolutely impossible. They are nothing but shells and that is the hardest thing to accept here, but once you do, the leaving is easy.
See, one of 3 things has happened to the narcissist. Either They have a damaged frontal lobe in their BRAIN , in the area of emotion. This leaves them at the 3 to 4 year old maturity level. They CAN'T feel grownup emotions.
Second, they may have been overindulged as a child and were raised to believe that no one other than themselves matter! That they don't need anyone else because they are perfect. Those around them are all flawed, imperfect, beneath them, to be used only to get what they want and good for nothing else.
Third, they may have been severely abused and neglected as a child. Never shown love or compassion. Taught that people were only there to step on for your personal gain, that no one can be trusted, not even a small amount. That you must be on guard at all times, to be ready to attack any and all people around them for their very survival.
I don't know which type of narcissist you are with, but you need to know that you can't change him, you can't FIX him, you will never be able to LOVE HIM ENOUGH to teach him to care about you. So it's not a matter of your begging him to forgive you. In fact they want you to beg, but are disgusted by it at the same time. You have to decide if you are willing to live with someone who can never treat you the way you deserve to be treated - with love, kindness, empathy, compassion, as a worthy person. I'm sorry, but he's not going to change. The only thing you can do is to leave! To realize that you are a valuable person, that you are worth more than you are receiving, that you deserve so much better! And you need to get yourself away so that you can start to learn to like yourself, to respect yourself, finally to begin to love yourself. This happens in stages, not all at once. We have been torn down, but healing is not only possible, but is there, just waiting for you to grasp it! It is painful at first, but as time goes on, it gets easier and easier! I promise! There will be backsliding, but you just get up, brush yourself off, and keep going! You can do this! You deserve better! And with all the love and caring you have to give to others, if you just start by giving a little bit to yourself, you will start to heal, start to recognize that you deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and love!

06/19/2023

So, I've been hearing from women who have been getting shoved, having things thrown at them, fists put through walls. They have been called every name in the book, blamed for things happening when they weren't even present, gaslighted over and over until they thought they were losing their minds! Why do we put up with this kind of treatment? There are so many reasons. One of them is the fear of leaving. The narc has put it into our heads that we will be hurt, or worse, if we leave. So we stay and try to smooth things out when in the midst of these crises! We accept the blame for those things we did not do, we try to calm the narc down, say soothing words, but nothing works once the narc has started his tantrum...
I'm using the term "his", but this is also true for female narcs as well.
Once they blow, the tantrum can last anywhere from minutes to hours. They don't care who hears or sees them - the other family members, the neighbors, anyone. This is when it is the most dangerous for the victim - the danger of physical violence is real. And if he puts fists to her, she will usually take it, believing, again, that he will kill her if she either fights back or calls for the police. I have seen pictures of women so badly beaten you couldn't tell where their facial features were, their teeth knocked out, bones broken, but they won't press charges. And they oftentimes go back to their abuser.
Victims almost always believe they can love their abuser enough that we can teach them to love us, that if we just hang in there long enough, and take enough of the abuse, we can show them what true loyalty is, true love, that we can save them.

In fact, we are "trauma bonded" to our abusers. It's much like the Stockholm Syndrome. We are so bonded by the trauma we have been put through, we stand up to anyone who talks bad about our abuser, we take their side in legal matters, in all matters. No matter how awful we are treated, we are bonded to them with bonds that almost cannot be broken. It can take years to break those bonds - that's why, when you finally break free from your abuser, you still want to be with them, still think there is a chance that you can teach them that love, that kindness, that you know is in them! Months, therapy, support groups, all are needed to break the trauma bond, but it can and will be broken and you can come out on the other side - you will see everything that happened to you from the outside and finally be free!!

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