The City of Quincy, Illinois

06/05/2026

CITY OF QUINCY PARKS UPDATE

The Quincy Park District has been hard at work making improvements to the pond area at South Park, including new sidewalks and landscaping around the water.

And it. Looks. Great.

Residents are encouraged to take a walk, enjoy the scenery, admire the improvements, and spend a few minutes pretending they don't have seventeen other things they should be doing. To be fair, it is humid AF right now but there's a nice breeze so you might as well enjoy it while you can.

The City would also like to recognize the crews doing the work, because unlike most things discussed on Facebook, this project actually requires people to leave the house and accomplish something.

Meanwhile, local waterfowl have not yet issued an official statement regarding the upgrades, though several ducks were observed standing nearby looking like middle management conducting an inspection.

The improvements come just weeks after the Great Quincy Speed Bump Discourse of 2026, during which residents collectively spent several days debating whether traffic-calming measures in Upper Moorman and Wavering Parks were a public safety enhancement, a constitutional violation, or a personal attack.

Fortunately, the South Park pond has avoided similar controversy, largely because nobody has yet proposed installing speed bumps on the water.

Park District employees report Steve visited the site earlier this morning and spent nearly forty minutes staring silently across the pond. When asked what he thought of the improvements, Steve reportedly nodded once and said, "The ducks deserve walkability."

For perhaps the first time in recorded history, nobody disagreed.

Thank you to the Quincy Park District and all the crews helping keep our parks beautiful.

05/28/2026

CITY OF QUINCY TRAFFIC ALERT: Yes, even though it's summer, there are still kids in school!

The Quincy Police Department would like to remind residents that 20 mph school speed zones will remain in effect this summer at several Quincy schools from 6:30am to 4:00pm when children are present.

Yes, summer school is still school.

This means that although your brain may currently be operating under the assumption of, “it’s June, nobody’s learning anything,” there are, in fact, still students, staff, buses, crossing activity, and at least ten exhausted teachers wondering why they agreed to this.
Drivers are reminded to obey posted school zone speed limits even if children are not immediately visible.

This is because children are known to move unexpectedly and possess the supernatural ability to appear near crosswalks precisely when someone says, “Well, I don’t see anybody.” Officials would also like to remind residents that “I thought school was out” is not legally recognized as a traffic strategy. Good try though.

QJHS employees reported that city employee Steve was seen driving exactly 20 mph through the junior high school zone this morning while several other vehicles aggressively passed him like he was transporting the Ark of the Covenant. When asked why he refuses to speed in school zones, Steve reportedly removed his sunglasses, stared directly ahead, and said, “The children are our future. Also there’s usually a cop in the Morrison lot." He did confirm that the speeders had been pulled over. As a reminder, the fines for speeding through a school zone are not pretty. And honestly, if you do choose to speed in a school zone, you deserve a ticket. Sorry, not sorry. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please slow down, stay alert, and remember that school zones exist to keep kids safe, even during the annual nationwide confusion period known as “Summer But Somehow Still School.”

05/22/2026

CITY OF QUINCY PROCLAMATION UPDATE

Today, the City of Quincy officially celebrated 20 years of service from WGEM’s Natalie Will, meaning Natalie has now spent two full decades calmly explaining events to the Tri-States while the rest of us collectively panic in real time.

Over the years, Natalie has covered
floods, tornadoes, elections, road construction, community events, severe weather outbreaks, city meetings, suspicious smells, and approximately 14,000 stories that ended with someone saying, "Authorities say no injuries were reported, but residents are being asked to avoid the area at this time.” Now that's tenacity.

Mayor Linda Moore presented Natalie with an official proclamation recognizing “Natalie Will Day,” along with a Gem City gem in appreciation for her years of professionalism, compassion, and service to the region.

Honestly, if anyone has earned the right to possess a mystical Quincy artifact, it’s probably the woman who has spent twenty years professionally transitioning from “We have breaking news” to "And now, here's Ben Marth with sports.”

Residents are encouraged to celebrate Natalie Will Day by practicing speaking clearly into cameras and microphones, standing slightly too close to weather radar graphics, and saying “back to you in the studio” after ordinary conversations while staring into an imaginary camera.

WGEM employees report that Steve was seen watching the proclamation ceremony silently in the background before nodding once in approval and muttering, “She has witnessed much.” Be proud, Natalie. You've gotten more acknowledgement in one day from Steve than most of us could hope for in a lifetime. I have a feeling you are now among the protected.

Congratulations to Natalie Will on 20 years of serving the Tri-States and somehow remaining composed while covering this absolute fever dream of a region!

05/22/2026

CITY OF QUINCY TRANSPORTATION ALERT (The buses crave freedom.)

Beginning Tuesday, May 26, Quincy Transit Lines will implement temporary route adjustments due to ongoing Broadway construction impacting the Maine Street and 36th Street corridors.

At this stage, Broadway construction has advanced beyond a public works project and become a living environmental condition experienced collectively by the residents of Quincy and all who are blessed (or cursed) enough to experience it alongside us.

Affected riders should prepare for several temporary stop closures and detours, including changes near Quincy Senior High, Village Inn, Burger King, Target, Hy-Vee, and what experts are now referring to as “The 36th Street Situation.”

Most notably, Route 4 South riders requiring service to the 36th & Maine area must notify the driver upon boarding in order to receive service during construction.

That’s right. Public transit in Quincy has officially evolved into an unlockable dialogue option. “Greetings, traveler. You seek passage to Maine Street? Then you must answer me these riddles three!”

Residents should also note that Burger King riders must now cross to the east side of 36th Street and board near Target, transforming the daily commute into what can only be described as a regional pilgrimage. Honestly, crossing 36th right there is scary enough in a car. Thinking about doing it on foot makes me really anxious.

Transit operators have reportedly been fully briefed and are prepared to assist riders through this difficult and confusing chapter in our city’s history. Counseling resources are not currently available, but they really should be by now. Just saying.

Meanwhile, Route 3 Baldwin will also detour around construction because apparently no route can gaze upon Broadway directly anymore without consequence.

Transit officials confirm Steve has already adapted to the changes despite somehow continuing to use a transit map printed during the Reagan administration.

Witnesses report seeing him standing silently near the Senior High stop shortly before dawn and placing a single traffic cone onto the pavement before whispering, “The old routes are gone.” The cone makes no sense since Maine isn't technically affected, but we don't question Steve.

One bus driver reportedly crossed himself.

Officials would also like to remind residents that while these detours are temporary, the emotional impact of trying to turn left onto Broadway during construction - whether or not you're at a stop light - may persist for generations.

❤️

05/21/2026

The City of Quincy would like to recognize our Employee of the Month for May! .. And every other month.

Yes, it's Steve.

It's ALWAYS Steve.

I personally once tried to nominate one of the parks and rec gals, sent the email, and then when I went to go clear out my sent emails, I found that the entire application had been filled back in with just.. Steve. His name, over and over and over again for EVERYTHING. I have no idea how he even did that.

Steve is the Employee of the Month because he has to be.

Thanks, Steve!

05/20/2026

CITY OF QUINCY COMMUNITY UPDATE!
(We have exciting opportunities for residents available during "normal working hours"!)

Residents are reminded that Ameren will be hosting a limited seating event tomorrow morning at 9:00am at the Oakley-Lindsay Center where qualifying attendees may be eligible for up to $200 in bill assistance.

What a wonderful opportunity for members of the community who are retired with reliable transportation, independently wealthy, or capable of astral projection from their workplace! 10/10 time choice.

We here in the social media department would especially like to commend the decision to schedule financial assistance discussions during a time traditionally known as “when many people are at work trying to pay their Ameren bill.”

This thoughtful approach helps ensure attendees are truly committed to energy savings and willing to undertake the sacred Midwestern ritual of asking, "Should I use PTO for this?”

Residents should also note that seating is limited, which adds an exciting game show element to utility assistance. Nothing says community outreach quite like “First come, first served.” 🤌🤌

Of course, comments on THOSE posts regarding the event have been turned off, allowing everyone to focus less on discussion and more on personal reflection. Honestly, very efficient.

This event also arrives at a magical time of year when temperatures are climbing and residents across the region are opening their latest Ameren bill like it’s a jury summons.

Still, the City encourages residents to attend if possible, ask questions, seek assistance, and maybe gently suggest that future events aimed at working people could potentially occur at times when many working people physically exist outside their jobs.

As for Steve, last I heard he has already reserved a seat despite openly distrusting thermostats and continuing to refer to electricity as “fancy fire.” Same, Steve. Same.

The City of Quincy: We're powering conversations! ... Selectively. 🤷🏻‍♀️

05/20/2026

The City of Quincy would like to officially congratulate Natascha Will on being named the new Executive Director of the Quincy Public Library!

Natascha has been with the library since 2006, meaning she has successfully survived multiple administrations, countless budget meetings, at least three different styles of city “strategic planning,” approximately 19,000 people insisting they were definitely returning that book tomorrow, and threats of budget cuts and reductions that have unfortunately become real. That's a lot, and we commend her dedication.

Frankly, anyone with some two decades of experience working in public service while remaining kind, competent, and willing to answer questions from people who begin conversations with “Now I saw on Facebook…” deserves some level of municipal medal. Ms. Will, we will gift you that medal - well, Steve will - if you reach out.

The Quincy Public Library continues to be one of the genuinely best things this city has. It provides books, internet access, research help, community programs, children’s events, local history archives, educational resources, and a climate-controlled place where at least one resident every day accidentally falls asleep in a chair while “reading.” Libraries are one of the last places where a person can exist indoors for free without being expected to buy a $12 coffee or explain themselves, which feels increasingly important these days.

Of course, being associated with the library in such a prestigious position does mean Natascha is now entering the ancient and sacred Quincy tradition of having to occasionally justify why literacy should continue existing. (Good luck.)

Still, we are confident she is prepared. Library staff reported that Steve himself was seen quietly reorganizing books in the local history section shortly after the announcement. Witnesses claim he placed one hand gently on a shelf and whispered, “She will do.” At this time I can neither confirm nor deny Steve's involvement in her selection, but his apparent approval is a .. Chilling endorsement.

Congratulations again to Natascha Will and to the Quincy Public Library, which continues to hold this community together through knowledge, patience, public service, and what we can only assume is pure spite at this point.

05/20/2026

CITY OF QUINCY UPDATE (The trees now have leadership, hooray!)

At Monday night’s City Council meeting, Quincy officially introduced its new City Forester, Skip Bowles, as part of the ongoing effort to manage the city’s tree population and deal with invasive species concerns. (I didn't even know this was a position?!)

This means Quincy now officially boasts a Police Chief search and a man whose entire professional responsibility is looking at trees and deciding which ones are suspicious!

Honestly? That feels correct for this city.

According to the Tree Commission, the long-term goal is to improve tree diversity and maintain healthier right-of-ways throughout town.

We here in the social media department are anticipating at least one open and feral argument about Bradford pears, and somebody on Facebook insisting “that tree’s been there since Kennedy” without offering any clarification as to which tree or which Kennedy.

The City would also like to remind residents that not every tree marked with paint is being executed immediately. Sometimes the Forestry Department is simply observing them. There is also the non-zero chance that the tree committed treason. Get it? Tree-son? Ahahaha, I'll be here for the rest of eternity.

Sources also confirm Quincy has identified invasive species concerns, meaning the trees themselves are now apparently dealing with outsiders moving in and driving up property anxiety.

As for Steve, employees report he greeted the new forester with a firm handshake and the ominous statement: “The elms will greet you at dawn.”

Nobody has clarified what this means.

Welcome, Mr. Bowles!

05/20/2026

UPDATE REGARDING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW CHIEF OF POLICE

Following the announced retirement of Police Chief Adam Yates, the Quincy City Council has officially approved the process of searching for a new police chief. (I would give you the details but honestly, I don't know anything. They haven't told us what this process is either.)

The Board of Police and Fire Commissioners hopes to have a permanent chief selected by early October, giving the City several months to conduct interviews, review qualifications, and pretend they are not already hearing unsolicited recommendations from every uncle currently sitting in a lawn chair somewhere in Adams County.

As expected, speculation about potential candidates has already begun.

Current rumored frontrunners, per what little the HR department will tell me, include a retired state trooper who might actually live in Big Neck but nobody is sure, a guy who “ran security” at the county fair once, at least four guys named Doug, and Steve.

To be absolutely clear, Steve has not submitted an application.

Legally.

However, concerns were raised after several employees reported finding him sitting alone in the police department parking lot at 5:30am drinking HeBrews coffee and staring directly at the sunrise like a man remembering things no human being should remember.

When approached and asked if he is indeed throwing his hat into the ring, Steve reportedly stated, “The city chooses its chief when the time is right.”

Which, while deeply concerning, is technically not a no.

Residents should expect a rigorous selection process including detailed interviews, thorough evaluations, background checks, and determining whether candidates can survive a City Council meeting without visibly dissociating. That is a big one.

The City also reminds residents that posting “I’d do it for half the salary” on Facebook does not currently count as a formal application, though Human Resources admits the volume of submissions has been impressive.

As for Steve, officials maintain he is not involved in the hiring process despite the fact that he somehow already has keys to rooms inside the police department, and nobody has ever successfully explained where he goes during foggy weather.

We thank Chief Yates for his service to the community and wish him a peaceful retirement free from emergency calls and hearing the phrase, “Hey boss, got a minute?” ❤️

10/01/2025

QUINCY STANDS WITH RIVER CITY AND JAMES COMEY!!!! N! NNN! NNN!!!!! Alexa play Danger Zone

Chief Sharris STANDS with James Comey

Many people don’t realize that James Comey was the special agent in charge of the river city FBI Field Office. Mr. Comey learn how to be a leader in River city and represents everything good about River city. We stand by him as he is being politically persecuted by this current administration. We will have grief counselors on hand for those deeply affected by the orange man’s troubling actions
Chief Sharris (they/them)