07/16/2026
CRIME REPORT: Grand Theft Hydration
Crime: Theft of All Usable Oxygen
Suspect: The Sun
Status: At large and refusing to comply.
We currently have patrol units searching the archives for the absolute coldest snow patrol photo we can find, hoping that looking at it will magically lower our body temperatures. (Spoilers: It’s not working).
While we negotiate a ceasefire with the humidity, please adhere to the following emergency protocols:
The Asphalt Test: Put the back of your hand on the pavement. If it hurts, do not walk your dog on it. Unless you plan on carrying your 80-pound lab everywhere, keep them on the grass.
Look Before You Lock: A locked car in this heat is essentially a greenhouse. Check the backseat every single time you park.
The "Am I Dehydrated?" Test: If you're thirsty, you're already behind. Chug some water.
If anyone has a connection to a commercial snow machine, please contact our dispatch. Otherwise, go give your AC unit a high five, thank it for its service, and stay cool inside! We’ll be out here melting if you need us.