03/13/2026
This unidentified male gamer entered Walmart yesterday morning and completed what he believed to be a high-stakes mission: allegedly swiping an Xbox controller and other accessories in what we’re calling a crime fueled by poor impulse control and an uncontrollable urge to play Fortnite.
CCTV footage shows him clutching the controller tightly as he ran through the store, holding onto it like it contained the power of a guaranteed Victory Royale. After fleeing the store, the suspect ditched several articles of clothing at the scene. Possibly attempting to lower his wanted level, maybe? ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
We believe the plan was simple: steal a controller, go home, knock back a couple Red Bulls, build a few shaky wooden towers, and then get instantly eliminated by a 9 year old who hasn’t seen sunlight since Chapter 2. 🎮🎧
If anyone has any information regarding the identity of this avid gamer, please contact the New Boston Police Department at (740) 456-4109.