11/27/2019
Wishing you all a peaceful Thanksgiving filled with the warmth and love of family and friends. ❤️
The countdown is here... throughout the course of this week, and into the December holidays, families around the world will be gathered to celebrate.
While many in society experience the holidays as joyful albeit stressful, there are few more painful and stressful times of year for those who are grieving. I felt really frustrated when others pressed me, early in grief especially, to feel thankful, even though I could (momentarily) still feel morsels of thankfulness. But when your most beloved one dies, it's pretty hard to 'give thanks' for much...
People have asked me how I cope with special occasions through the years since my daughter's death in 1994.
In my two decades of being bereaved, working with countless bereaved families and researching the bereaved, I've discovered some ways to cope and connect us deeply with self, other, and the natural world during what can be a very overwhelming time of year:
1. Sharing your feelings openly and honestly with others directly may help them to understand. Sometimes, the process of discussing the loved one who died before the gathering begins can relieve the tension others may feel wondering, “Should I talk about this or not?” If you can, be clear about how you feel: "Can we please have a moment of silence for Jacob before we eat?" or something like that.
2. Rituals are often very helpful, especially new ones. Rituals are ways that we *remember* them, and remembering them, while painful, is so very important for our broken hearts.
A few ideas, for example, include lighting a candle and having a moment of silence at the beginning of the holiday meal or playing a specific song, asking family members to make a donation to a specific charity in his/her name, setting an empty place at the table for him/her and asking each person to tell their favorite memory, volunteering as a family in his/ her memory, buying a gift for a child the same age and donating it, and a craft-making project where family and friends make an ornament in his/her memory. This not only gives others permission to share their feelings but also brings people together by enacting grief.
3. Connection with a support group in your area can be very helpful. Empirical research suggests that social support is one of the most important variables in helping grievers cope. There are many grief groups that meet in person and online. Even social media can be used to help connect grievers to one another. (Grieving parents and grandparents and siblings can search for support near you at www.MISSFoundation.org and we have more than 20 online support groups there too called the "Forums".)
4. Get out into nature if weather permits. Take a walk, hike, or just sit outside. If that’s not possible, then bring nature inside. Create an indoor window garden or a Zen sand garden. When possible, expose yourself to natural sunlight at least a 10 minutes each day.
5. Move your body. Exercise, yoga, stretching, or even just walking can help increase our capacity to cope with fluctuations in our emotional states.
6. Practice intentional solitude using contemplative prayer, silent time, or meditation. Take a few minutes every morning and evening to breathe slowly and deeply, eyes lightly closed. Focus on the stillness if you can. Keep this practice going. Even 5 minutes a day can help.
7. Change your routine. From the small things, like changing the music you play when putting up the tree, changing the meal you eat for a holiday, or leaving town for a vacation at the holidays, novelty can help us cope with the holidays. Since everything has changed, its okay to change traditions.
8. If you are spending time with others during the holidays, tell them in advance of your fragility. Let them know that you may leave early (it’s nothing personal toward them), ask them if there is a quiet spot in the house where you can go to be alone if you need it, and tell them the ways in which you’d like them to discuss- or not to discuss- your feelings openly with others.
9. Give others explicit permission to talk about your precious loved one who died. Sometimes, fear gets in the way of others approaching the bereaved. You can write a letter delineating what you would like. For example,
“Dear friends, At this time of year, we are struggling without our daughter, Jane, in our home. We know it is frightening but we’d like to ask you to talk about her with us and to ask how we are really doing. We’d like you to remember her in your prayers, and then tell us when you do. We’d like you to consider a donation to X charity in her name. Please send us emails rather than calling us. We find phone calls to be overwhelming right now. We’d appreciate help with meals during the week of Christmas. If you are able to leave a meal at the door, we’d appreciate it. Our friend, Mary, will be coordinating that for us. Please contact her at ###-###X. Finally, we love to receive cards so please keep them coming. We love hearing your favorite memories of Jane. Thank you. We are grateful for your support, and will need it for many years to come.”
10. Finally, give yourself permission to take care of you and your family first. It is okay to turn down invitations to events, to cut back on holiday celebrations and décor, and to ask for help with child family members who may also be grieving. Eat nourishing food, drink water, get enough rest when you can, and watch alcohol/drug consumption. Stress, naturally, distracts us from self-care, so you’ll need to be more vigilant during this time of year.
Finally, cry if you want/need. The suppression of tears has never been useful for me. In fact, I oft felt sick when I chronically avoided or pressed down on my tears. I finally surrendered to what I termed 'marathon' sessions of grieving. They generally lasted about 15-20 mins, I might fall asleep from exhaustion, but I always felt a relief of weight after I let go of my tears.
There is no question that, for many, grief and the sense of isolation and loneliness amplifies during holidays.
Some of these ideas may help us cope and remain more self-aware, self-compassionate, and feeling more connected to those around us who love us, to our precious one who died, and to a deeper and wounded part of our self. Together, and connected, we can get through these dark days.
Meanwhile, I hold pause for each and every broken heart reading this. I may never know you and your beloved who died, but through my silent moments, I consider the suffering hearts in the world and I send my love and shared grief.
It is the one thing that unites us, after all, as beings around the world: To love, to lose, and to grieve.
Dr. Joanne Cacciatore (c) 2009 originally printed on my blog
www.JoanneCacciatore.com
www.certification.missfoundation.org
