One of the funniest Ambulance crews in the USA

One of the funniest Ambulance crews in the USA Funny stories of the ems world

06/14/2025

Dispatched to a residence for a 26-year-old female with “foreign object concern.” Arrived on scene to find a very nervous male in a bathrobe pacing the hallway and repeating, “It was supposed to be romantic.”

Entered the bedroom to find the patient under blankets, mildly embarrassed but alert and oriented ×4. Patient stated her boyfriend had planned a “sweet surprise night,” which, according to him, involved whipped cream, honey, and “light playful kitchen utensils.” Somewhere between the honey drizzle and his attempt to “whisk things up,” the situation turned sideways — literally.

The spatula had been used to apply honey. The whisk, however, got accidentally involved when he lost his grip mid-laugh and it bounced… into places it didn’t belong. Efforts to remove it were unsuccessful and, in his words, “made it worse.” By the time we arrived, both parties were sticky, mildly panicked, and very over the whole baking roleplay theme.

Fire department was called for object removal assistance — one firefighter later asked, “Is this what they mean by beating the eggs?” Multiple jokes were made. None were appreciated by the patient.

No injuries noted, mild localized discomfort. Transport to ER accepted “just to be safe,” with both patients repeatedly requesting that no one tell their moms.

Cleanup left to the discretion of the couple. Honey and dignity left behind at the scene.

04/09/2025

We get toned out around 1900 for a 43-year-old female with a “possible chemical exposure” and “difficulty moving” at a residential address. We arrive on scene to find the patient wrapped in a towel, standing awkwardly and refusing to sit down. She’s beet red, not from vitals—just pure embarrassment.

She sheepishly tells us she was doing crafts in the nude—“free-spiriting it,” as she called it—working on some homemade coasters using a batch of fast-curing epoxy. Apparently, she had poured the epoxy onto a paper plate to mix it, got distracted setting up glitter and resin molds, and when it came time to take a break… she sat down on the same chair she had set the plate on.

Yep. Full skin-to-paper contact. The epoxy set. The paper plate was now permanently affixed to her personal real estate. The poor woman had tried to get it off herself but was terrified of ripping skin or worse. So, now it’s us, trying to delicately figure out how to transport a patient with a paper plate plastered to her lady garden.

She had her dignity, though. Got on the stretcher like a champ, face burning, towel clutched like her life depended on it.

En route, she finally broke the tension and says:
“Well, boys… bet this ain’t in your EMS manual. Not every day you get a woman with a paper plate stuck to her hoo-ha.”

We’re dying trying not to laugh. Get her into the ER, give report, and the doc—without missing a beat—goes:
“Well ma’am, I’ve heard of fine china… but this is ridiculous.”

She lost it. We lost it. Even the charge nurse was doubled over.

As we were walking out, she shouted down the hall,
“Tell your friends! Epoxy and exposed vaginas do not mix!”

We logged it as “foreign object—non-ingested” and gave her the unofficial award for “Most Creative Craft-Related Injury of the Year.”

01/29/2025

“Medic 5, respond to a 41-year-old female, groin injury with entrapment. Conscious, breathing, requesting transport.”

My partner and I exchanged looks. entrapment? Oh, this was going to be interesting.

When we arrived, we found our patient pacing in her bedroom, slightly bent forward, gripping her waistband like it was the only thing keeping her from falling apart. Her face was beet red and tears down her cheeks, both from pain and the sheer embarrassment of the situation.

“Please, just get me to the hospital without making this worse,” she pleaded.

We did our best to keep straight faces.

“Alright, let’s take a look,” I said, keeping my voice professional.

She very carefully unbuttoned her jeans just enough for us to see the problem.

Sure enough, two of her lady lips had been violently consumed by the zipper. The skin was pinched so tight between the teeth that it looked like it had been welded in place. Blood was visible, but the real damage was emotional.

“How did this happen?” my partner asked, because of course he did.

She groaned. “I was running late, I yanked my jeans up, and BAM! It’s like my body decided to betray me.”

Now, we had two options:
1. Try to free it ourselves. High risk, high reward.
2. Get her to the hospital. More embarrassment, but safer.

Given how tightly she was locked in, we decided transport was the best bet.

Getting her onto the stretcher was an adventure in itself. She couldn’t sit normally, so we had to help her into a half-reclined, wide-kneed position that made her look like she was about to give birth to an invisible baby.

The second we rolled her out to the ambulance, her nosy neighbor peeked over the fence.

“Oh my goodness, Susan! Are you okay?”

Without missing a beat, my partner called out, “Just a little zipper trouble, nothing major!”

Susan glared at us like she wanted to unzip our faces.

Once inside the ambulance, she tried to distract herself with conversation.

“You guys must see some crazy stuff, huh?”

“Oh yeah,” I said, keeping it vague. “But this is definitely a first.”

Suddenly, she groaned and shifted uncomfortably. “Ugh. Every bump makes it worse!”

My partner, trying to lighten the mood, smirked. “Well, if you weren’t stuck before, you might be by the time we get there.”

She did not find that funny.

Halfway to the hospital, I looked back to check on her and found her Googling how to unzip a l***a from jeans.

“Don’t trust WebMD,” I warned. “It’s probably going to tell you that you have three days to live.”

She sighed. “Honestly? If this kills me, just put ‘Death by Levi’s’ on my tombstone.”

By the time we got to the ER, she had gone through all five stages of grief. As we wheeled her inside, she stopped us.

“One last favor?” she asked. “Please, for the love of God, don’t tell the nurses why I’m here out loud.”

Of course, the moment we entered, the triage nurse asked, “What’s the complaint?”

Before we could say anything, Susan blurted out, “I ZIPPERED MY VA**NA, OKAY?”

Everyone in the ER turned to look. Even a guy with a broken arm winced.

The nurse stifled a chuckle and waved us on. “Alright, honey, let’s get you unzipped.”

As we left, my partner whispered to me, “You know she’s never wearing jeans again.”

01/27/2025

Post Idea:

🚑 A Wild Ride on the Ambulance Today 🦍

Well, folks, every shift in EMS has its surprises, and today was no exception. My partner and I were dispatched to a residential address for a well-being check. We arrived to find a woman sitting comfortably in her trusty rolling computer chair.

The workup started as usual—checking vitals, casual conversation, and the basics: her name, date of birth, and today’s date. She aced the questions without missing a beat. Then she asked my partner to grab an envelope off her corkboard and put it in her bag. Seemed harmless enough.

Fast forward—after finishing our assessment, we recommended she head to the hospital for further evaluation. She agreed, and we got her onto the stretcher and into the ambulance.

That’s when things took a turn. She pulls the envelope out of her bag, opens it, and says, “Guys, I’ll go to the hospital, but on one condition: we have to stop by the zoo.” She then holds up four hand-drawn tickets, each featuring a gorilla. She explained, “I have to see my friends in the cage before we go!”

Curious (and slightly amused), we asked why she wanted to visit her gorilla friends. Her reply? “They need my blessing before they go on their journey to Massachusetts!” Naturally, we asked why Massachusetts, and her response was priceless:
“Didn’t you hear me? My coworkers and I own and operate the Massachusetts State Mary, Hector, Sonia, Bob Cannoli Space Station! These gorillas are going to make history—they’re flying to outer space on a rocket we built with the best garden materials ever. Not even the president has access to this technology!”

When we arrived at the hospital, she promoted my partner and me to Level 90 Top Clearance Agents for her company. Apparently, we’re now responsible for transporting her and her gorilla team—Makendi, Dalton, and Paula—to their highly classified “launch pad,” cleverly disguised as a tall building.

Needless to say, she’s getting her evaluation and a little extra care while she stays a while.

No gorillas were harmed in the making of this adventure. 🦍✨
Just another day in EMS that reminds us why we love what we do.

Happy to be back! 💪

01/27/2025

Sorry for not posting for a very long time. My partner and I were in a bad crash involving our ambulance no one was seriously hurt we spent a bunch of time in the hospital due to our injuries. I can’t talk too much about it as it’s still under investigation but tonight my partner and I are happy to announce we are back on the job doing the best career in the world.

07/27/2024

So we were shut down by Facebook and couldn’t post for so long. It took many people reporting and numerous issues that Facebook had to fix but we are back.

03/26/2023

So we get to work, told we have a trainee today 3rd riding with us who just graduated emt school “still had that fresh new emt smell” we were dispatched to a nursing home facility 3rd floor doing a transfer to another facility. My partner sees for bags with our patients name on them and he took the bags and brought them down to the ambulance. I’m showing our new trainee the computer when the other nurse asked who we were there for filling out her paperwork she points to our patients room across the hall. I look up and see a 91 yo f dementia pt in a recliner against the far wall next to our patients room opposite the nurses station. I had to do a double take, I look again and see the 70 som**hing year old man beside her, he had her by the wrist and was using her hand on his 🍆to “do the deed” I get nurses attention and the cna saw it got up quick to go run and stop him. All I hear is the nurse “you gotta be quicker than that” and the woman picks her hand up and is looking at it so confused. I turn to the trainee next to me and said Welcome to EMS

Man they s**t you wish your eyes could un-see.

03/23/2023

So my partner and I were dispatched 911 backup to - - - valley rd in a neighboring town for a male with an unknown medical. Upon arrival we enter the home and see a male in his mid twenties laying in the prone position naked with a large towel covering him on the couch. We ask him what is wrong. the patient stated I had run down stairs to get my clothes to wear out of the dryer when I tripped on the last step and fell on my dogs never been used brand new new tennis ball that was laying on the floor and it disappeared inside me. We do the usual work up questions, vitals and load him up on the stretcher in the prone position and transport to the er. We call to give the staff and doctor a heads up. We get there and the er doctor and x ray doctor are waiting to take him right to x ray. We do our paperwork get sigunatures and on the way out the door the two doctors poke ther heads out of the X-ray control room they motion is to come in, we park the stretcher and enter the control room, the radiology dr points to the screen and said this x ray is negative for said tennis ball. Both him and the Er doc said the patient had the loosest re**al tone he has ever seen in their 43 and 38 years as a doctors in the er setting. We bowed and shook our heads walking away and our the door saying we’re not even going to say a word, have a safe and sane rest of your shifts lol

03/22/2023

So working the ambulance today my partner and I had some time between calls. So we go to CVS pharmacy to pickup my script. While standing in line there was an older gentleman in front of us who approached the counter and asked the young girl at the register “have they taught you how to make m**h here yet” she then replies with a very nervous chuckle, dad will you stop it, I’m new here and your gonna get me in trouble. To which he replies “ok if your out of m**h just give me a bag of co***ne and one of them plastic straws instead” mind you he said it loud enough for everyone nearby to hear. My partner and I chuckled because we saw the humor this dad was trying to give to his daughter lmao the other pharmacists realized it was her dad and chuckled and took the joke in good spirits but his daughter was so red in the face from embarrassment lmao.

12/05/2022

So my partner and I just get done lunch, dispatch calls us to respond - - - - C street for an unknown medical. We get to the house, we were greeted by a very nervous teenage boy. He tells us hurry up my girlfriend sh-sh-she’s in here bleeding hurry. We walk in to find his girlfriend laying on the bed holding her p***c area crying ( immediately my partner and I think period boy were we so wrong) so we ask what happened. The boy says well my girlfriend and I were having s*x, I didn’t want the condom to fall off so I used an elastic. My girlfriend was screaming very loudly and I thought it just was really good but it turns out the elastic was getting caught in her p***c hair taking pieces of hair every time he pulled out. Let’s just say there was a pretty size-able patch of hair missing and she was bleeding a lot, upon cleaning the wounded area we noticed a good skin tear, We load her up and transported to the hospital where she ended up needing a few stitches on the tear.

Lesson of the day people, don’t use elastics to hold the condom on.

11/29/2022

So on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving my partner and I were called to a residence for an elderly gentleman with possible SI (suicidal ideations). We arrive at the house to find an 83yo m sitting in his chair. We talk to him for a little bit and come to find out the only reason he threatened to harm himself was he couldn’t stand to eat another year of his wife’s dry burnt Turkey. He figured the mental hospital would have better food than his wife’s Turkey. For nearly 60 years he had to eat that horrible meal and he never had the heart to tell her it was bad. ”if I go to the crazy hospital I won’t have to offend her or tell her it’s bad cause I won’t be there to eat it.”

Just when you think you’ve seen it all you see som**hing else that tops it.

Hope everyone has a safe holiday season.

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Cockeysville, MD

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