Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken

07/20/2021

Have You Been Cancelled?

“Cancel culture is not actually about justice. It is about control. People use cancellation to force conformity to ideals.” – Teal Swan

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – Bible (1Corintians 13:6,7)

Kirk and Kim had just had another argument, one of many over the last several months. But this day was different; suddenly Kirk turned his back on Kim and ignored her. No matter what she said he didn’t respond. Over the next several days Kirk didn’t say anything to Kim. It was as if she wasn’t there. She tried to get Kirk to respond but he refused. She didn’t know what was going on but she felt like all of a sudden, she had been cancelled.

The Cambridge Dictionary says cancelling is “a way of behaving in a society or group, especially on social media, in which it is common to completely reject and stop supporting someone because they have said or done something that offends you.”

According to an article in Psychology Today, there is another aspect to cancelling that is even more disturbing: “Canceling is similar in some respects to ghosting and boycotting, two other types of rejections. Like ghosting, the canceler desires to break their ties with the canceled entity. But unlike ghosting, the canceler also actively seeks to punish and harm them. Ghosting is private, passive rejection, whereas canceling is vigorous, public, retaliatory rejection.”

We hear about the “cancel culture” frequently these days. Although the term is fairly new it has been in practice for a long time. It’s one of the main reasons for failed marriages. I have met with couples where one has clearly cancelled the other. There is no real communication and often the cancelled person feels like a stranger in the house. As noted in the article from Psychology Today above, the more common word used to address this experience is rejection. I think we can all identify with that word. We all have felt rejected at one point in our life, whether in marriage or just in life in general. The rejection may or may not have involved actual verbal (or physical) harassment but it hurt nevertheless.

Megan Bailey, on beliefnet.com, suggests four types of rejection married couples may have to deal with.

1. Unspoken rejection. When you totally commit yourself to your spouse, and they shut off all communication, you feel lost and alone. Your ability to understand and deal with any underlying issues has been removed and you feel hopeless.
2. Uncaring rejection. Your spouse may communicate with you but it’s all negative. You don’t feel ignored, but you may wish for it. The negative atmosphere can be devastating. Megan suggests this is the worst kind of rejection. You are being bombarded with negativity and it’s easy to be convinced it’s all your fault.
3. Compromising rejection. In this case, you may be given reasons for your spouse’s feelings in a fashion that indicates healing is possible. Many times the compromise consists of listening to your spouse’s complaints and deciding what you are willing to work on, hopefully together. It helps when both agree that change is needed, on both parts.
4. Polite rejection. Your spouse may tell you in a “polite” fashion, that they no longer love you. The “politeness” doesn’t take away the hurt, but does indicate that the discussion may still be open.

Rejection (or being cancelled) in any fashion is painful. Ultimately it is the main cause of divorce. We reject the marriage covenant and decide that this marriage relationship is no longer worth maintaining.

There may be valid reasons for separation and even divorce, but most of the break-ups occur because one or both are putting their own interests first. Marriages succeed when we follow God’s plan. Both husband and wife seek God and put the best interests of their spouse first. We look for that which is good in our marriage and celebrate it.

The Family & Marriage Coalition of Aiken, Inc. (FAMCO) was created to provide resources for you to succeed in your marriage and families.

07/20/2021

Join us on July 31 as we look at God's design for the family.

07/13/2021

Secrets of a successful Marriage. Hosted at Life Choices Pregnancy Care, 1900 Whiskey Rd, Aiken, SC (behind McDonald’s) Snacks provided. $5.00 per person, paid at the door. Contact Roger Rollins
803-640-4689 or [email protected].

04/14/2021

Larry Glover, retired Air Force (AF) certified behavioral health counselor, licensed drug and alcohol substance abuse counselor with over 35 years of experience working with military service members, retirees, and families
Saturday, 9:00am-11:30am, April 24, 2021
Hosted at Life Choices Pregnancy Care,
1900 Whiskey Rd, Aiken, SC (behind McDonald’s) Snacks provided
$5.00 per person, paid at the door
Further information - contact Roger Rollins
803-640-4689 or [email protected]

08/31/2020

FAMCO (Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken, Inc.) event
Surviving Chaos and Uncertainty Together.
Gain skills in holding your relationship together
and make it stronger in the chaos of the moment.
Jay Earles, PsyD, ABPP, board-certified clinical health psychologist
Saturday, 9:00am-10:30am, October 17, 2020
Hosted at Life Choices Pregnancy Care,
1900 Whiskey Rd, Aiken, SC (behind McDonald’s)
$5.00 per person, paid at the door
Contact Roger Rollins for further information
803-640-4689 or [email protected]
Please register at www.aikenfamco.com or let Roger know
you are coming so we can have the resources ready for you.

​​FAMCO is looking for volunteer couples that are interested in blessing others in marriage by becoming Marriage Mentors!  Invest in the marriages of others and help reduce the divorce rate.  See the Mentoring tab above for more information or contact us!We need your help!!

07/09/2020

Family and Marriage 7.5.20R

Family Order Establishes World Order

“The truth is, if we don’t learn to submit to authority, we won’t ever learn to submit to God.” – Joyce Meyer

“Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account.” – Bible (Hebrews 13:17)

A civilization is generally defined as an advanced state of human society containing highly developed forms of government, culture, industry, and common social norms. You might say that the family is the most basic form of a “civilization.” The family should have rules of behavior with an authority structure to implement and enforce the rules, expectations for normal social interactions, and a defined process for accomplishing necessary tasks.

Let’s take a look at two families. Bill and Belinda have three children whom they love and adore, and for whom they have expectations. Bedtimes are clearly set and maintained, chores are well-defined, and play times are structured but enjoyed by all. Joe and Jane also have three children whom they love and adore. They wanted their children to grow up without any significant restrictions, believing they should be allowed to make their own choices and define their own characters from the very beginning.

The book Lord of the Flies was written by William Golding in 1954. Quoting from a review, the book focuses on “a group of British boys stranded on an uninhabited island and their disastrous attempt to govern themselves. The semblance of order quickly deteriorates as the majority of the boys turn idle; they give little aid in building shelters, spend their time having fun and begin to develop paranoias about the island.” The book has been popular but controversial over the years. Is it accurate in its presentation of the chaotic collapse of society when there is no structure?

The Bible (Proverbs 29:18) says “Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, but happy is he who keeps the law.” Or in other words, without structure, chaos reigns.

The Institute in Basic Life Principles outlines four biblical authority structures. They do not express superiority or inferiority, just the structure that God has designed into the universe in order for it to function properly.

First comes the family, consisting of husband, wife, and children. The husband bears the responsibility of final decisions, with significant input from his wife. The children are to honor and obey their parents.

To govern our society, we have elected and appointed officials at all levels. They are to implement and enforce rules and regulations that provide for the welfare of the general population.

In order to earn a living, we have the employer and the employee. The employers are to manage with care and impartiality and the employees are to respect and submit to their employers in order to accomplish their assigned tasks and responsibilities.

Hopefully we also submit ourselves to the church. The organized church has pastors and teachers and other responsible persons who help guide the health of the church.

All of us accountable to God. We are under His authority, whether we realize it or not. If we disobey His authority there are consequences.

There have always been segments of society that rebel against some or all of the above authority structures. History shows us the consequences of the rebellions. We can ignore history, even removing that which reminds us, but we can’t change history. At it’s best we can celebrate the good to encourage repetition and learn from the bad to avoid repeating it.

The family is no different. We are trying all kinds of experiments with the family. There is the traditional type of family (husband and wife and children), the single parent family, the extended family, the childless family, the stepfamily, the grandparent family, and deviations from the aforementioned. If we don’t ignore or erase the history lessons but instead learn from them, we can recognize that none of these are new, and that only one has been successful.

The unrest in the world today will only end when we come under and are obedient to God’s authority, and that begins with the family.

The Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken, Inc. (FAMCO) provides resources for you to succeed in your marriage and families. Roger Rollins, Executive Director, FAMCO, 803-640-4689, [email protected], www.aikenfamco.com.

Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken is committed to providing resources for marriage preparation, enrichment, and restoration in Aiken and surrounding communities.Our Mission:Promote the acquisition of relationship skills necessary for successful marriages and families

04/15/2020

5 Small Ways You Can Support Each Other Every Day

Ann Malmberg on the Prepare.Enrich Blog gives us some useful ideas.

If there’s one thing we’re learning right now, it’s that the adage is true: the little things are the big things. Taking time to enjoy the little things, feeling gratitude for them, and putting effort into doing them for others can turn a blah day into a great one. It’s all about perspective.

Your partner is probably one of the people you’re spending the most time with right now, so the seemingly small ways in which you show up for each other during this time can make a huge difference. Here are five examples:

Listen.
If your partner needs to vent, let them vent. If they need to verbalize their worries, be a listening ear. You don’t have to solve anything or offer up solutions; simply hear them. Hug them. Validate their feelings. Just be sure you’re giving your full attention (and not looking at your phone).

Cut each other slack.
Neither of you might be at your best right now. You might be stressed, worried, and anxious, or get snippy without meaning to. Or you might feel a surge of annoyance at the same old things—dirty socks left on the floor or cabinet doors let askew. Give each other grace. Take a deep breath and count to ten if you have to, but try to bite your tongue. At the end of the day, getting upset over socks isn’t going to help anyone.

Be flexible.
Chances are your day-to-day routines have been pretty much upended. Depending on your work situation and if you have children, you’ve both had to adapt. Whether you’re flying by the seat of your pants or you’ve pieced together a bit of a routine, remain flexible. Do what you can to accommodate and help each other out. Working together will help things run more smoothly, even when it seems anything but.

Make each other laugh.
Maintaining a sense of humor is important in general, but especially during difficult times. Show off your non-existent rap skills, play a silly prank, do your best Joe Exotic impression. Laughing together creates a bright spot in your day, releases endorphins, and relieves tension. A good laugh might be just what you both need after being bound to a laptop for hours.

Ask them what they need.
Do they need help cleaning up after dinner? Do they just need 20 minutes of being alone in silence? Even if they don’t take you up on the offer, the simple act of asking (and being ready to take action if necessary) is an easy way to check in with each other throughout the day and an opportunity to support those partners that have a hard time asking for any help.

These things seem obvious, like things you should do to support each other normally and not just during a global crisis. And that’s probably true. But right now, these habits are more important than ever. So what “little things” are you doing these days? Or conversely, what little things have become your big things? Let us know!

04/11/2020

The website www.fatherly.com provides some suggestions on coping with the significant stress the coronavirus is putting on couples. Below is a brief summary of an article by Jeremy Brown on “How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage During Coronavirus.” Check out the complete article – since you’re probably looking for something to do anyhow.
Understand That Everyone Needs Time to Realign. Louis Laves-Webb,
an Austin-based psychotherapist, says. “The skill set that survival
demands is different than what is required to thrive and can include:
greater flexibility, presence of mind, a sense of urgency, and function-
ality over process.” His advice: “Be courageous and understand that this
can be a necessary realignment during this unique time.”
Let Structure Guide You. Establish new schedules together, since the old ones are probably not relevant. Who gets the groceries, when are the meals, how do we handle all the conference calls, how to we help the kids survive and thrive?
Set Boundaries. Designate work spaces for one another. Decide when to give attention to your work and when it’s time for family. Doing your work from home can consume all your time; don’t let that happen. But also recognize that many of us need time alone. Take time to go outside, go to another room or shut your door for a period of time in order to reset, create mental recalibration, and to have a pressure release valve for everyone involved.
Set Expectations About How to Fight. Since uncertainty is everywhere and tensions are high, set some ground rules ahead of time for relieving the pressures. Be as specific as possible when criticizing their behavior (and not the person), don’t get defensive (trust one another), and don’t bring up huge issues in the moment (instead, plan time for big talks).
Give One Another the Benefit of the Doubt. Remember, you’re both dealing with increased stress and unpredictability, so it’s likely that your partner isn’t actually trying to annoy you or act selfishly — they’re probably genuinely overwhelmed and not thinking as clearly as usual. You’re on the same team – especially when you’re both stuck at home, so pause to consider your partner’s point of view before jumping to negative conclusions.
Set Aside Time to Vent to One Another. Given that this is a stressful time, set aside a specific time at the end of day to talk about what’s happening. Listen to each other with empathy and without judgement.
Get Creative With Date Nights. Schedule special times together. Be creative. Go for a walk or have a picnic in some accessible park (where you can). Watch a movie together.
Practice Gratitude. We have many things to be thankful, starting with our family. Focus on the good and tell others you appreciate them.
Make Time for Other People. Make time for others outside your immediate family. Use Facetime, Zoom, Skype, etc., whatever it takes. Schedule it and do it. We all need some social interactions
Remind Yourselves That These Are Crazy Times. Pray, and believe that “this too shall pass.” Pray for our leaders and our medical professionals.

Looking for a new voice in practical parenting advice & evidence-based insights from top parenting experts? Fatherly has it: advice, gear reviews & life tips.

04/09/2020

Family and Marriage 4.12.20R

Easter – Denying Self

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” – Luke 22:42

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Victor Frankl

Viktor Frankl, famous Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, is best known for his psychological memoir “Man’s Search for Meaning” which is a meditation on what the gruesome experience of Auschwitz caused him to conclude was the primary purpose of life: the quest for meaning, which he observed sustained those who survived.

Frankl’s experience in the N**i death camp brought him to believe in the quote given above: everything can be taken from us but our ability to respond to our circumstances. Frankl found that the single most important factor in cultivating the kind of “inner hold” that allowed men to survive was teaching them to hold in the mind’s grip some future goal.

When God created us he made us different from the animals in that he gave us the ability to choose. He enabled Adam and Eve to choose whether or not to obey Him, i.e. don’t eat from one particular tree. He gave no such ability or guidance to any animal. Since the creation man’s choices have driven the condition of the world. We can choose whether or not to serve God, and it goes on from there.

Choice Theory is the study of how decisions get made. The term was coined in a book of the same name by William Glasser, who argued that all choices are made to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun. Glasser’s five drivers for choices are very similar to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: survival (of his body), safety, love/belonging (need for), self-esteem, and self-actualization.

Let’s go back to Victor Frankl. He believed in three fundamental human properties. One of them is: “One's primary focus is to enlighten others to their own internal resources and provide them tools to use their inner core.” In other words, it’s a focus on others and not on self. Frankl’s other two fundamental properties were that each person has a healthy core (psychologically speaking), and life offers purpose and meaning but does not promise fulfillment and happiness.

I find it interesting that Glasser and Maslow, writing from strictly a secular view point (God is not in the picture), focus on self. Frankl by birth was a Jew, who at least recognized the existence of God. Frankl’s experiences led him to believe that part of our purpose is to focus on the welfare of others.

Only when you bring God into the picture can you recognize a greater purpose in life than survival of self (e.g. “survival of the fittest”). Jesus came to show us that there is a better way than focusing on self. Jesus said “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” (Matt 16:25) He also said “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

The Bible tells “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Matt 2:5-8)

Life is all about choices. What drives your decisions? Do you subscribe only to Glasser and Maslow or do you believe there is a greater meaning (purpose) in life (God)? Consider the following passages: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.…. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5: 22-33)
The Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken, Inc. (FAMCO) provides resources for you to succeed in your marriage and families. Roger Rollins, Executive Director, FAMCO, 803-640-4689, [email protected], www.aikenfamco.com.

01/08/2017

Each week FAMCO's executive director, Roger Rollins, writes on Family and Marriage. His columns are published every Sunday in the Aiken Standard.

You can read this weeks column here... http://www.aikenstandard.com/lifestyle/family-and-marriage-recognize-dysfunctional-relationship-and-work-through-it/article_d7cd995e-d2ed-11e6-8503-3b1b4d21aada.html

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