26/10/2025
I had a big fight with my mother today. One like I hadn't had in months and that brought up very difficult emotions and an unhealthy dynamic that never seems to heal.
On the way home (I decided to take a walk alone to let off some steam) I realized how much it still hurts me every time she crosses my boundaries, every time she changes subject during a fight to point out how I do things that hurt her feelings too. How much I still desperately wish she loved me instead of competing against me.
Then, in a matter of seconds, my mind went back to all the stories I heard from the mothers I support on the daily (I love how my work constantly mirrors my wounds back to me 😂 ).
Stories of those who are so scared to become mothers because they don't know if they can live up to the perfect picture their own mothers painted for them, those who can't trust their mothers to show up when they need them the most, those whose mothers are so drenched in their own anxiety that "it is best if she doesn't visit for now". Those whose mothers left this world too soon.
Those, like me, who found themselves competing against their own mothers to win the world's approval and attention.
Today I once again felt how true it is that when you become a mother, you desperately need your own mom. Someone who has and models unconditional love for you. Or at least a good enough version of maternal love.
And what if this model isn't available to you?
Thankfully, it isn't only mothers who can model that: partners can, MILs can, friends or other family members can, doulas can.
From someone who lived her postpartum constantly thirsty for that love and so drained that I struggled to feel connected to my own baby, my best advice is: please look for love in places where it is abundant. I know you have at least one. Don't be stubborn 😉
With much 💕
Chiara
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Ciao, my name is Chiara and I am a birth and postpartum doula for expat moms and families in Milan and northern Italy. If you are expecting your baby in Italy in 2026 and are looking for someone who can truly walk alongside you as you figure out motherhood in my beautiful country, I may be your person.