01/04/2026
Hello
Hope all is going well with you.
I wanted to write this post for sometime, but something always comes up.
So here we go. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS POST CAN BE TRAUMATIC SO TRIGGER WARNING IN PLACE. Please note that this post is directed at men's health.
TRAUMA BONDING.
If you are getting counselling, you can hear quite often "this is trauma bond". What exactly is it? And why do we trauma bond?
Let's start with the definition.
A trauma bond forms in abusive relationships when a victim becomes emotionally attached to their abuser due to repeated cycles of harm and occasional positive reinforcement, such as affection or apologies, creating a confusing and compelling attachment. This bond is strengthened by tactics like manipulation, gaslighting, threats, shaming, and control, which make it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship. The intermittent nature of abuse and kindness mirrors behavioral patterns similar to gambling rewards, making the attachment psychologically powerful.
Trauma bonding in men can manifest in various forms, often leading to emotional and psychological distress. It is characterized by a strong attachment to an abuser, which can be difficult to break due to the cycle of abuse and affection. Men may find themselves staying in relationships that are harmful or toxic, often due to the emotional instability and manipulation that trauma bonding creates.
For men, recognizing that they are trauma bonded to someone is extremely difficult. It speaks to the "backpack full of bricks" that the society, culture and nurture start filling when a boy is born. How often do parents or people around a small child heard telling "you are a boy and she is a girl. you need to give her what she want". And that is one form of manipulation and shaming.
So, does trauma bond forms only in adulthood? I strongly believe that trauma bond and susceptibility to trauma bonding is formed in the childhood. We are all aware of secure and insecure attachments. Given that, trauma bond can form to a parent or carer when the attachment is not secure and the child is not given proper level of care or is used as a pawn in games adults play with not allowing the child to see one parent.
How does childhood trauma form? What do children feel?
When the child grows up in the environment where the level of care, affection, and love depend on the mood the parent(s) are in or on how you "behave", your nervous system learns to adapt for survival. Its a constant "fight or flight". You learn to be SEEN, but not heard. You learn to be hyper-vigilant and extremely receptive to the moods of the people around you and know when to talk or even be present in the same room. You can go hungry for days, because it is just too dangerous to ask for food. You learn that everything has conditions that you need to follow.
Your survival strategies can include learning:
1. Love is earned, not given unconditionally from a parent/carer to you.
2. If there is an argument your brain automatically decides that it means rejection and abandonment. You dont understand that conflicts and arguments are a normal part of life.
3. If someone hurts/bullies you, then it is your fault. You will not go seeking shelter and protections from the person/people that are supposed to be giving it to you.
4. Your needs are TOO much, they are NOT important. In no shape or form you are to show that you need something for the fear of what that need can bring.
And it continues.........
Does that survival instinct disappear when you grown up? Unfortunately, it does not. It follows you. It puts you in relationships similar to what you saw in childhood. Because it is ALL you know and ALL that you are used to.
SELF CHECK AND "TAKE A BREAK" POINT.
How does trauma bond developed in childhood affects you in your adult life?
1. It is something that I call "savior complex". Because you have trauma bonded to the parent/caregiver that was abusive/negligent or dismissive and you saw that they are in one or the other form of distress, you will be more susceptible to find a partner that is in distress and try to "save" them. This is happening because it is known to you and you know how to deal with people that are in distress. The question is: WHO ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAVE?
2. Running around. Trying to be in 10 different places at the same time. This happens because your brain is programmed to think that if you do everything for everyone, they will love you. They will pay attention to you, they will acknowledge you. You try to help everyone. Who are actually trying to help? Who are you actually running from? When you need help, WHO IS THERE FOR YOU? Despite being the "knight in shinning armor" what feeling do you wake up each day with?
3. Fear of abandonment. Despite the outside looks that you are a strong independent man and can "walk on water", deep inside you are still a little boy and the most thing that you are scared of is unknown and fear that you will be left behind, abandoned, unwanted. This plays a crucial role on your relationship. The insecurity of your feelings make you seek that perfect woman and build a relationship as fast as possible. You potential and/or actual partner, unless she has experienced some form of trauma and has the same fears and insecurities, might find you too clingy, too demanding and actually run in opposite direction. This will leave you thinking that "you are not worth it", "no one will ever love me", "everyone leaves me". The way your fear of abandonment manifests itself is by forming a people pleasing personality (over pleasing at times), forming more insecure attachment bonds, wanting a family without understanding of what is actually needed in order to form a secure and happy family. And none of it is your fault. This is all you know. This is what has been programmed into you.
4. Missing crucial emotions that are needed for basic self-preservation. This can be extremely problematic, especially in the relationship. We constantly hear about men committing domestic violence, but we almost never hear how dangerous women can be especially when you trauma bond to them. You are easily manipulated, coerced, gaslight and psychologically degraded. And you still stay. Why? Because that is what you know, you are missing a crucial component of self-preservation because you are scared to think what will happen when you are left alone. Being alone is one of your greatest fears, besides fear itself. So to avoid that you attach to anyone and anything to avoid it. You take risks that you wouldnt if you had formed secure attachment in your crucial developmental years.
There is so much more that I can discuss in relation to trauma bonding, but I also have to be mindful about how much information is necessary for you to pay attention. So, for now I will stop here. Part 2 of this post will be posted soon. That will include stages of trauma bonding, how to recognize that you are trauma bonding and if your relationship is actually healthy, and how to get out of the vicious cycle of trauma bond.
Stay tuned and Stay Safe.
