Retirement Home Confessions

08/02/2026

07/31/2026

I just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider web!

07/31/2026

Why are there never any good side affects? Just once I'd like to read on the side of a medication bottle, "May cause extreme sexiness".

07/29/2026

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to Buzz off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

07/29/2026

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

07/29/2026

An elderly woman went into a post office to buy some stamps.

'What denomination do you want?' asked the lady at the counter.

'Good God!' she replied, Has it come to this? I suppose you'd better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Presbyterian.

07/29/2026

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

07/29/2026

I called my Grandmother to wish her Happy Birthday { her 97th } and she said, "Thank you! How old am I ?" 😂