13/05/2024
I see you, Natalie Elphicke.
Oh my, the drama! The fireworks! The scandal! What a stunning coup this is for the Labour Party. A politically big-brained bit of theatrical manoeuvring that will devour headlines and definitely boost the party’s appeal among the swing voters. Just look at how big his tent is! Never mind the One Nation Conservatives; Starmer’s looking to create the One-Party System, where even the most nauseatingly dreadful Tories can find a comfortable political home.
What a scalp you are. Natalie Elphicke, for God's sake. You're a woman who hears the Imperial March wherever you walk, which is generally in a direct line from one scandal straight into another. Darth Barbarella, a positively spiteful ghoul who deviates only slightly from Sheev Palpatine politically. Even then, it’s by advocating for malnutrition over the lightsaber as the most effective means of culling younglings.
What a genius ploy from Starmer, fi***ng open the door of his broad church so widely that he now risks losing a sizeable chunk of the congregation in the resulting prolapse. It’s just such brilliant logic, inviting in a singularly dreadful partisan hack who sits somewhere in the narrow band between Ben Habib and Ghengis Khan on the ideological spectrum. Look, everyone - the Tory party can’t even retain their rabid fruitcakes any more. They’re our rabid fruitcakes now!
Dan Poulter’s defection at least made logical sense. A professional doctor, appalled by his own party’s mismanagement of the NHS, jumping ship in its defence and thus boosting Labour’s credentials on healthcare. The PR spin could easily gloss over his complicity in voting for that degradation relentlessly over the years - his Damascene conversion to basic morality was an easy sell.
How the f**k do they spin you, Natalie Elphicke, when you have a near gyroscopic ability to land tits-up on every issue you lend your grotesquely ignorant hand to? Just what do you actually offer, beyond scathing historical criticisms of just about every Labour policy going? That’s before we even get on to your own godawful history of victim-blaming the poor women your piece of s**t ex-husband abused, or your own grotesque attempts to influence the legal process in his favour.
Are Labour now just so giddy for the dopamine high of embarrassing Sunak that they’ll grease any monstrous claw that even hints at reaching out to them? Your conversion is no sudden tilt towards supporting Labour policy. Your views on immigration fall just short of firebombing the Bibby Stockholm and you are to worker’s rights what your ex-husband is to women’s suffrage. Yet you’ve been welcomed with open arms and forced straight into an apology, even as the ‘investigation’ into whether the one Diane Abbott has offered is sufficient bleeds into its second year.
The grotesque irony, Natalie Elphicke, that you can walk straight into the arms of a fawningly grateful Starmer for the sake of a cheap publicity stunt when you’d struggle to get through even Reform UK’s vetting process. And I’m pretty sure theirs consists of throwing every potential candidate into a padded room with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Greta Thunberg, then hiring only the ones who either deliberately misgender it or punch its head off.
It’s all just so absurdly short-sighted from Starmer, who at this point I can only assume watched The Fly at some point in his youth and concluded that its overarching moral message was ‘all change is good.’ The fury of some his own membership and the skeletons the Tories are now hurling out of your old closet were both outcomes he should have been able to see coming a mile off.
Is it absolutely shameless that the Conservatives suddenly have a dozen fresh new suggestions of impropriety to throw at you? Yes, of course it is, but the staggering hypocrisy is now the only burden they have to carry. The actual stink of Natalie Elphicke is now a distinctly Labour problem, and it’ll serve Starmer right if he comes to regret holding his nose and saying yes to you.
I see you, Natalie Elphicke. I f**king see you.
